Game of Thrones: The Mountain and the Viper aka “Hello. My name is Oberyn Martell. You killed my sister, prepare to die.”

We start this episode out in Mole’s Town which I can’t help but think this is a place that must be hard to keep track of for all those Watchlings out there.  So just in case– it’s the town right outside of the wall that mostly consists of a whorehouse there to service the Sworn Brothers– you know the ones that swore to not have sex.  Yeah those guys.

Well the Wildlings bust in and murder a ton of people, but Ygritte spares Gilly and the babe.  Then we see Sam and the posse discussing if Gilly could have survived and what they should do about the Wildlings in general.  They mostly all decide they are screwed.

 

What the Watchlings don’t know:

This is just a big set up for next week and to show that Ygritte is a good person. No– you’ll get the pay off for these scenes at the Wall soon enough.

Switch to Grey Worm checking out Missandei and looking like he’s sexually frustrated.  Then Dany and her discussing how much was cut off when they became eunuchs. Grey Worm later apologizes while at the same time kind of declaring his love for her. He somehow also took a huge step forward in his mastery of The Common Tongue.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

So Dany actually got a lot of details about the castration process when she bought the Unsullied. They have everything (Penis and Testicles) chopped off very early on so that they will never have any sexual desire to distract them from their duties. So I don’t really buy that Grey Worm is sexually attracted to anyone, but I would buy that he is lonely and wants love.  For those of you that don’t know, the boys that become Unsullied are taken at around the age of 5, trained, then cut, and on the day they are cut they are given a puppy.  After 1 year they are made to kill the puppy– those that don’t are killed and fed to dogs.  Then when they earn their title of Unsullied they have done so by going out into the marketplace, ripping a child from it’s mother’s breast and killing it in front of her.  He then gives the owner of the woman a coin to pay for the baby.  Yeah, so it’s pretty hardcore and I could see how someone like this could use some love.

Lets move on to Theon (Reek) and The Bastard. The Bastard is continuing his campaign of torment over Theon and uses him to manipulate the Ironmen left at Moat Cailin. Theon gets them to surrender and then The Bastard flayed them all. The Bastard of Bolton really is one of the most despicable characters in this series.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

You mostly know it all. The only thing you’re missing is that extent that The Bastard has gone through to brainwash Theon.  He thinks everything might be a trap created by the Bastard in order to inflict more pain on him.  Other than that– this scene is all that it seems.

OK now here we go.  The episode before this ended with Littlefinger throwing Lysa out the Moondoor. I stated before that in the books there was conveniently a singer hanging about that took the fall for Lysa’s murder, but since he wasn’t there I wondered how they would explain away this issue. Littlefinger appears cornered. He’s being grilled by the Lords of the Vale and looks to be losing this game.  Then they announce they want to interview “Alayne.” In comes Sansa looking very fragile and saying she must tell the truth.

Well evidently little Sansa has learned to play the game.  She tells everyone who she is really and that Littlefinger had saved her life.  She also gives an explanation for Lysa’s suicide.  At the end of this fantastic tale she exchanges a sly smile with Littlefinger.

Wow is all I gotta say about this.  I wonder how they will proceed with this storyline since this episode took a little bit of a turn from the books.

Littlefinger lays the groundwork to travel with Robyn– perhaps see that he gets killed somewhere– or just to see if he can actually grow up.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Sansa is still not known as herself, but is under the disguise of Alayne Stone– the bastard daughter of Littlefinger– in the books.  Also Sansa is not this cunning in the books either.  She’s still an idiot and doesn’t realize that she’s being manipulated at every turn.  Just throw her some lemon cakes and she’s good to go.  No words can describe my disdain for this character.

 

Meanwhile back in Mereen we see Barristan Selmy receive a mysterious message that turns out to be a pardon from Robert that somehow got lost in the mail (really– USPS is getting slower and slower these days. They should have sent it UPS). Seriously though it’s obviously a set up and conveniently just showed up. Dany sees this as a horrible betrayal and banishes him.  This is plainly the only choice she had so she didn’t appear weak.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Selmy was on the Small Council so he knew that Jorah was spying on her this whole time.  He’s also the one that spills the beans to Dany to turn her against Jorah.  To be fair he didn’t trust Jorah and was trying to look out for her.

Now we get to see two weirdos be super creepy together.  AKA Roose Bolton legitimizes his bastard son and places him over any future children he might have. He probably knows that Ramsey will most likely murder any future children anyway, because that’s how he does things.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Both these dude are waaaaaay messed up.  Hmmmm. . .you may have already figured that out.  Well how about Roose like to be leeched daily. Yeah cause that’s not weird.

Sansa now reveals why she lied to protect Littlefinger.  At least the show made this make sense. She protected him because she knows that if he’s gone she might be in a worse situation than she was in King’s Landing. OK I buy that. I’m going to skip ahead and cover the scene with Littlefinger and Robert  Robyn. Littlefinger is obviously plotting something.  He’s now setting up the boy to go on a journey with him and Sansa and we’ll have to see where this is going to take us.  I’d watch out if I was Robyn though.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

She looks so strong and smart now. Believe me in the books she’s still an idiot.  Always an idiot. Oh, and an idiot that never thinks about Arya and what possibly has happened to her.  Every now and then she feels mildly sad that the rest of her family is dead, but mostly just sad if she runs short of lemon cakes. Robyn (aka Robert) develops an unhealthy attachment to Sansa and feels the need to sleep with her every night.  GRRM also goes into great detail about how he pushes up against her boobs to go to sleep and then pees the bed. Yeah this storyline is mostly messed up.

Now Arya and The Hound have reached the Vale and have a super hilarious scene where Arya laughs joyfully when she finds out that her Aunt Lysa is dead. Really it’s just their luck that they would make this huge journey just to hit a dead end.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Arya and The Hound never made it to The Vale in the books.  In fact they should be parting ways soon and I’m interested to see if the show decides to break up this dream team.  They have to eventually right?  Maybe this is season finale material? Arya’s storyline just gets better and better though.

Of course they’ve saved for the last the story we’ve been dying to watch.  Jaime and Tyrion have a heartfelt chat about how Tyrion is going to die and how they don’t have much hope of victory. They also share a touching story about a mentally handicapped relative of theirs that liked to smash beetles and how Tyrion tried to figure out why this child wanted to smash the beetles. This lovely story ended with the cousin getting killed by a mule.  The moral of the story being that life and death have no point.

Seriously she’s an amazing actress in these scenes.

Cut to Tyrion being led out to his trial.  Tyrion questions Oberyn’s lack of armor and a helmet (hehe) and Oberyn brushes his concerns off.  Which I have to admit when you watch his fighting styles it’s obvious that he does much better unencumbered. Here’s where it gets good. Oberyn takes the field all cocky and promises not to die and leave his paramour alone.

Oberyn does an amazing impression of Inigo Montoya by repeating, “You raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children.” over and over while attacking The Mountain. This chant seems to do what it was intended  as he repeatedly stabs his adversary and appears to have dealt the winning blows.

But wait, this is A Game of Thrones— just as it appears he’s won The Mountain grabs him, admits his murder and rape and then smashes his head like watermelon.  Yep.  That’s the end of the Viper.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Nothing really from the brotherly aspect. Jaime and Tyrion really do love each other and Jaime is realizing Tyrion is the better of his siblings. Tyrion doesn’t have much hope for a positive outcome, yet his hopes are raised throughout the battle. . .until they aren’t.

Never fear though!  The Viper is not done with The Mountain.  How you ask?  You saw his head popped like a really disgusting pimple right? Well, yes, but he may have performed some treachery before his death.  I won’t spoil that for you though.  I’m sure we’ll find out in about 2 weeks.

 

Up next week it appears to be the battle for the Wall– believe me all will not go as planned.

Major Character Deaths: One– Oberyn Martell

Boob Count: 8 pairs I think? There were a lot of background boobs.

 

Game of Thrones: Mockingbird. You are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

This episode contained a ton of set up.  This is one of those episodes that I have trouble judging how Watchlings would receive it.  As I am watching I’m getting super excited about all that is about to happen which makes me wonder if all the Watchlings out there are bored or confused.

Jamie and Tyrion

We start out with Jamie and Tyrion arguing about Tyrion’s speech at the end of his trial.  Jamie sees it as idiotic and Tyrion sees it as his only option to fight back.  For all Jamie’s desire to have Tyrion shipped off to the Night’s Watch I wonder what his actions would have been in a similar situation.  Tyrion makes very valid points to Jamie.  Jamie was playing right into Tywin’s hands.  He would have gotten rid of his embarrassment of son and gained his heir back to the place he wanted.

Tyrion’s pleas to get Jamie to fight for him are heartbreaking.  Tyrion loves his brother and I do believe Jamie loves Tyrion, but Jamie also knows that he can’t beat the Mountain and I think Jamie feels powerless against his father and sister.

 

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Jamie knows all to well about Tyrion falling in love with a whore. Tyrion married a girl when he was very young that he loved very much and said that she loved him.  They lived together for a time and then Tywin told Tyrion that Jamie had hired the girl to have sex with Tyrion and then it had gotten out of control. Tywin took the girl and gave her to all his soldiers and then had Tyrion “service” her in front of everyone else.  This has haunted Tyrion since that time and if the show follows the books Jamie is about to drop a revelation about this young girl very soon.

Cersei and The Mountain:

Cut to a huge guy disemboweling some people evidently for fun and Cersei watching.  I’m not real sure where these people have come from.  Do they keep people around just for him to slice up?  That seems like a healthy past time.  This scene mostly is just to set up that The Mountain is The Wu Tang Clan, Dr. Dre and Tupac all rolled into one huge scary person.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Are you aware that Cersei is a heartless conniving bitch? OK good.  How about that The Mountain is a psychopath and has killed more people than I can count?  OK good.  So you got this.

The Hound and Arya:

Ahhh, my favorite homicidal travelers.  Arya and The Hound have left quite a bit of death and destruction in their wake and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down anytime soon. The scene opens up with them riding up to a scene of mayhem and death.  There is one person left, slowly dying from a wound to the stomach.  The three of them talk about life, death and the everafter for a while. Then the conversation comes to an abrupt end when The Hound shoves a knife under the mans ribs into his heart.  This was a mercy kill so the man didn’t have to slowly die a painful death there on the road.  The Hound looks meaningfully at Arya and says “That’s where the heart is. That’s how you kill a man.” Then suddenly there is someone biting into The Hound’s neck and trying to kill him to which the Hound responds by quickly snapping the neck of his attacker. I would like to say that is also how you kill a man.

Since the one dude bit a chunk out of The Hound’s neck I’m assuming he’s Rorge’s counterpart Biter.  Biter was supposed to be killed by Gendry, but I’ll take the change.  It’s an acceptable alteration.  Rorge likewise was killed in a different manner (Brienne killed him), but this was an awesome scene with Arya and stayed true to character.  It does ask the question though, that if they are already dead now, will Brienne and Pod run into any action on the Kingsroad now?

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Arya did know who Rorge and Biter were.  They joined the Bloody Mummers aka The Brave Companions with Jaqen H’ghar and helped Arya free the Northman that were captured at Harrenhall.  Also they were scarier in the book then they are in the show.  Also The Hound should have already been seriously injured so I’m wondering if this bite will turn into something serious since he wouldn’t let Arya cleanse it with fire.  Oh we haven’t gotten to that part yet? OK sorry, continue.

Meanwhile on the Wall:

We see Janos Slynt singling out Jon Snow and trying to make him look like a coward, an idiot and a traitor.  This break it mostly just to remind you that there is stuff going on at the Wall that will be important later.  So yeah.  Janos is a douche. Jon knows what he’s talking about. Let’s continue.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Winter is coming. Oh yeah, I think you’ve picked up on that.

Bronn and Tyrion:

Bronn very succinctly explains why he won’t be Tyrion’s champion.  I think that this rejection hurts a lot worse then Jamie’s. It’s logical. Bronn was always for Bronn (the dwarves are for the dwarves!) and it wouldn’t fit if he suddenly changed.  However, I do think that Bronn wished that he was a better man.  A more loyal man. But at the end of the day he is just Bronn: The Sell Sword.

 

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Nope.  This was pretty much word for word from the books.  And done amazingly well. Look that that last touch that Bronn throws in though.  Yep, he really does care about Tyrion. The only other thing I’d add is that you may have forgotten that Lollys is knocked up with a baby from her gang rape that occurred when they sent Marcella off to Dorne. Bronn later names that baby Tyrion and I think he does that just to let Cersei know that she may have bought his cooperation, but not his loyalty (if he actually had much left).

Dany and Daario Naharis:

So Dany sends Daario to kill the Masters, but not before she exercised her right of first night with Daario. Hmmm or maybe she’s just been alone with guys for a really long time and liked the way Daario massages. . .his knives.  Anyway, insert sex scene– wait scratch that– insert sex scene that isn’t shown.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Dany has been fantasizing about this for a while so she’s mostly just doing this for herself.  It leads to some sticky situations later, but really as I’ve stated before Dany is just boring right now.  Of course putting her in that dress makes her more interesting.

Melisandre and Selyse:

As if to make up for not showing the sex scene between Daario and Dany we see the Red Woman naked for an uncomfortably long time. Blah, blah, blah, they are both crazy and creepy.  Oh and evidently the Red Woman wants Seylse’s daughter along just in case they need to sacrifice her to the Red God. Totally normal.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

You’ve probably gotten everything you need out of this.  They are both really weird and really creepy.  The Red Woman will become more and more important as time goes on.

Dany and Jorah:

Yeah I’m not even going to address this.  We are reminded once again Dany is a strong female character. We got it.

The Hound and Arya

I mentioned before the whole fire/infection issue.  I am curious as to where this is going to take us.  I doubt that the sketchy water Arya washed it out with is going to fix it.  The Hound is one of those characters (like Jamie Lannister) that I truly hated for so long, but then once I got to see his character develop I love him. I want to hug and protect him as no one ever did for him.  Imagine having to live with someone that you were always afraid they might kill you for the fun of it. Yeah, just not cool.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

The Mountain is the head of the house because his father died under suspicious circumstances as did his sister and his two wives.  The Mountain is also known for killing people on a whim. So yeah his baby brother might have a few issues he needs to work through.  Evidently the Stark girls bring out all the good in him.

Brienne and Pod:

The adventure continues with our daring duo.  Hot Pie offers some comedy relief and Brienne’s expressions are priceless. However Hot Pie does come through in the end and spills the beans on Arya.  Good thing Brienne isn’t one of the bad guys.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

In the books something big is about to go down with these two.  We’ll see if it happens in the show.  My only spoiler/theory/thought that I’d like to add is to the readers out there.  What if the one word Brienne says at a critical moment is Arya? We’ll see.  (EDIT: My brother pointed out to me that GRRM has confirmed that they word she said was sword– so I was wrong). They are now on their way to the Erie which in and of itself is a bit different than the books so maybe we’ll all be surprised.

The Red Viper and Tyrion:

Out of all the people Tyrion didn’t expect to visit him Prince Oberyn was probably very high on that list. This whole conversation is mostly word for word out of the books.  It was more heartbreaking to watch than to read. Cersei has hated Tyrion for so long. Because of his deformity, or the fact that their mother died during childbirth, or because he interrupted what she had with Jamie.  Who knows? All I know is that it was painful to watch Oberyn tell Tyrion about his visit all those years ago.

And the emotion that Tyrion showed when Oberyn made his announcement was perfect.  I know Tywin wasn’t expecting that in response. After all why would Oberyn help a Lannister?

Sansa and Littlefinger:

Back to the Erie and some creepiness. Sansa builds a snow Winterfell and Robyn (aka Robert) acts like a little sh#t and gets slapped for it.  Fearing repercussions Sansa kinda panics to Littlefinger who gives her some speech about how he thinks of her like his daughter and then grabs her and kisses her.  Yeah not weird at all. Lysa sees it all and of course that bodes well for Sansa right? Or maybe not. Lysa freaks out and threatens Sansa by pushing her towards the Moon Door. Littlefinger responded this way:

 

What the Watchlings don’t know:

In the books there was a musician hanging around that this murder was pinned on.  I’m not sure how they are going to play this here. Needless to say Sansa has learned a lot about the kind of person Littlefinger is and I don’t think she’ll make the same mistakes Lysa or Catelyn made. Littlefinger becomes more creepy as does Robert Robyn.

Major Character Deaths: One

Boob Count: Just one pair

See you in two weeks!

Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men. When Peter Dinklage Proved He Deserved Every Award Ever Made.

Let’s get started:

 

So much awesome happens in this episode, but we start out seeing Stannis and Davos meeting with the Iron Bank asking for financial assistance to defeat the Targaryens.  OK so even I found this whole exchange to be mostly boring and Stannis is an emotionless douche which doesn’t help at all.  So. . .

What the Watchlings Don’t Know:

Cersei at this time, or very shortly after this time, has stopped making payments to the Iron Bank.  Not paying the Iron Bank is like not paying Tony Soprano.  It’s not done if you want to stay alive.  So this scene sets up Stannis receiving backing from Braavos and why this would come about.

The other thing you possibly don’t know is that Davos is an honorable and loyal man.  He sees Stannis as someone who not only saved him from death or a life on the wall, but also raised his family to a position of honor.  Because of this he will stick by Stannis no matter how big of a douche he is.

Cut to Asha or whatever they call her on the show (Yara?) trying to save Theon.  We have now exited the book world and have entered a world totally made up by the writers of the show.  Luckily we have shots of gratuitous sex interspersed within this section to distract us from this. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but Iwan Rheon (Ramsey Snow) is a phenomenal actor.  If you haven’t watched BBC’s Misfits you should just to see him in that as well.

What this show the Watchlings:

I really think this was just a set up to show how much damage has been done to Theon and how messed up The Bastard is.  Well mission accomplished.

Now we have to have our moment with Dany.  We see Drogon scaring a shepherd boy and burning and killing sheep which looks awesome.  Drogon has grown and is super scary now.  The Dragons are no longer cute little mascots.  We also see her trying to rule and we see that it sucks to have to do all this.  Now we understand why The Hand takes care of so much for the King in Westeros.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

A shepherd also comes to her claiming that Drogon killed his child and Dany is so horrified that this happened that she begins to take steps to cage her dragons. . .which goes as one would expect. The good news is that they are speeding up this story line a lot so maybe it won’t suck as much as it does in the books.

Ahhhh and now we are getting to the good stuff.  We get a little taste of Oberyn’s sharp tongue and get to see how stupid Cersei is. (Seriously. “baby dragons”?  Yeah things grow. . .sooo they are probably not going to always be baby dragons). Also I feel like Varys is pretty openly showing contempt for her (even though she doesn’t notice) and that Tywin also shows that he knows that his daughter is an idiot.  I think I love Oberyn more in the show than I do in the books.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s great in the books too, but Pedro Pascal really brings the character to life.  I find it interesting that Varys seems to dislike Oberyn.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears saying again.  Oberyn is known as a formidable knight.  He’s in King’s Landing with the expressed interest of getting revenge for the murder of his sister and sister’s children.  And when I say murder I mean that his sister’s infant son had his brains bashed in then she was raped by Gregor Clegane while he still had bits of her son’s brain on his hands.  Then her and her daughter was just as brutally murdered as well.  So he’s got an ax to grind and is biding his time.

Finally we see the trial begin.  Jamie fetches Tyrion and is obviously upset that he is escorting his brother to this farce of a trial.  Jamie has followed what is best for his family all his life, but now he can’t do that without hurting someone who not only is family too, but whom he loves just as fiercely. We watch Tommen adorably step down from the trial and then Tyrion becomes the smartass that we know he is.  One by one people give witness to Tyrion’s motivation to kill Joffery and “proof” that Tyrion did it.  Obviously we know that Tyrion didn’t do it (and so does Margaery and her face is great to watch as all this unfolds). Almost everything that is told is the truth, but with a ridiculous spin on it leaving out all the parts that make them look bad. The final nail in the coffin is Shea’s testimony where she states that she knows that Sansa and Tyrion plotted the death of Joffery because she heard them planning.  She also makes it sound as if Tyrion took advantage of her and she wasn’t really just a whore.

Here’s where is gets really good.  Jamie has tried to fix it up so that Tyrion will live no matter what and he tells Tyrion to hold his tongue and ask to be sent to the wall when he is declared guilty.  So of course Tyrion responds to this with the most epic passion filled speech ever known.  Shea has just ripped his heart out so he lets everyone have it. And it is glorious.

He ended this rousing speech by asking for a trial by combat instead of continuing with this joke.  You can see Jamie wanting to throttle Tyrion for doing all this.  All I can say is that Peter Dinklage made it happen.  You can see the anger, the emotion, you want to cry for him, hug him, tell him that he is loved.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

You pretty much got it all here.  Just know that in two weeks (maybe three) Tyrion will make it happen once more and people will be cheering all across the lands.

The previews for next week promise a lot of action and perhaps some Dany/Daario sex. Maybe we’ll get to see if Emilia Clarke really did declare that she would do no more nude scenes.

Major Character Deaths: 0 (but it’s not looking good for Tyrion)

Boob Count: 3 pairs

Game of Thrones: First of His Name, Where I write a review incredibly late

We start off the episode with Tommen’s coronation.  How cute is he?  There were a few smiles back and forth between Margaery and him that didn’t go unnoticed by Cersei.  Cersei approached Margaery acting as if she wants to become friends with her and Marge responded with this:

Seriously the look on Margaery’s face when she says all of this is how I feel when I’ve thought of an amazing put down and actually use it (as opposed to thinking of it hours after it was appropriate).

What the Watchlings don’t know:

In the books Cersei is seriously pissed off that Margaery is the new queen and she’s been pushed aside.  She still thinks of herself as a young, beautiful, desirable creature and doesn’t like to be reminded she is a widowed mother of three.  The sure fire way to make her mad is to bring up the fact that she’s not Queen anymore.  That makes this cutting remark that much more painful.  Also don’t feel sorry for Cersei.  Never feel sorry for Cersei.  I’ve admitted that I like Jamie even post pushing Bran out the window, but Cersei is a worthless c*$#.  Sorry, but she is and just gets worse.

Cut to Mereen and Dany’s council meeting.  Some are advising her to invade King’s Landing and others are not.  Just notice that Jorah seems to know a good bit about Westeros and that he’s acting weird.  This will be important later.

Jorah does deliver news that all the people she has freed are now slaves again and in worse situations then when they started.  She decides to stay in Mereen and rule.  And become a boring weak character for a while.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Jorah was a spy for Westeros for a long time. (They talked about this in the early seasons, but you were probably still trying to figure out who everyone was). Anyway Barristan was on the small council meaning he knows this little factoid.  So yeah. . .stuff happens.

Switch to the Vale and we get to see Lysa Arryn be a super weirdo.  She evidently never learned that you shouldn’t act like a needy smothering girlfriend to keep a relationship healthy.  We also learned that she killed her husband, not the Lannisters, that she lost her virginity to Petyr a long time ago, that she’s an idiot, she’s super paranoid and jealous and that she likes loud sex.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Lysa treats her son in a very creepy manner.  Yes, you’ve seen the breastfeeding and that he likes to throw things/people out the Moon Door, but you don’t know that he needs someone to sleep with every night and since his mother is not otherwise occupied this duty will fall to Sansa and it’ll be more creepy then you can imagine.  Lysa got pregnant by Petyr all those years ago and her dad gave her tea that would make her lose the baby.  Oh and gave her that tea without her knowing what was going on.  Then made her marry a man that, although he was nice, was old enough to be her grandfather.  She definitely got the short end of the stick.

Lastly, Petyr is even a bigger creeper towards Sansa than we’ve seen on screen.  He is always touching her, moving her hair and trying to be alone with her.  So, yay weird pedo sexual tension.

Back to King’s Landing Cersei and Tywin have a heart to heart where they discuss up coming marriages and how they are evidently broke.  Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember this from the books.  Granted the kingdom is broke, but I don’t remember Casterly Rock being destitute.  Anyway this was mostly just a set up for later. Best laid plans and all that you know.

Also we learned The Iron Bank ain’t nothin’ to f^$# with.  They aren’t.  Way more hard core than the Wu Tang Klan.

Oh, and Cersei wants Tyrion to die, but that’s pretty obvious.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

No, you pretty much got this.

 

We have a few couples roaming around the Kingsroad and The Hound and Arya are the most badass.  Arya who has her list of people she plans to kill and The Hound who just desperately wants to protect someone.  He tried helping Sansa, but she was too stupid to realize it and Arya has accepted the help, but has so many trust issues she still thinks he has an ulterior motive.

The Hound hates all knights and what they represent, yet he’s been the most knightly in actions towards the Stark girls.  Well that is unless you remember him splitting Arya’s friend Mycah in half because of Joffery’s lies.  When trying to put together the type of character that would cut a small boy in half and a character that is gentle and protective of girls all I can think is that he’s trying to do better. (Let’s go into my complete made up thoughts for a minute).  Being always with the Lannisters and trying to avoid his insane brother he turned off his emotions and just did what was ordered.  However. then he saw how Ned Stark acted and how his family was treated.  Ned who truly was a knight and lord in every sense of the word.  I would like to think he’s trying to protect the girls in Ned’s place, he just doesn’t know how to not come across as an ass.

OK so that’s all just theory to me, but I also love that he pointed out that the first sword of Braavos wouldn’t have been killed by Meryn Trant.  So maybe I am right about my other theory.

They argue, Arya  tries to stab him with her sword and it doesn’t pierce his armor.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Ahh there’s not a lot that you don’t know except what’s about to happen next. So just keep watching.  Their plot line definitely is progressing unlike other strong female characters I know.

Poor Pod and his attempts to take care of Brienne.  This scene I think was mainly to show the two bonding and to prove to Brienne that Pod really is trying to do the best he can.  I love these scenes, but wonder what the watchlings think of them.  Are they boring?  Funny?  Really they are great, but more to see the book character’s come to life than anything.

What the Watchlings Don’t Know:

Big things are coming up for this pair as well.  The only other thing that you don’t know is that both characters are broken, unloved people that got a taste of happiness only to get put on the road again.  Pod was mistreated all his life until he met Tyrion and Brienne was mocked and scorned her whole life until she met Catelyn and Jamie.

Cersei shows back up trying to make everyone feel sorry for her again.  Here’s the thing she seems to have forgotten though: Her dad ordered his sister and sister’s kids killed.  Then they were sliced in half, head bashed in, or raped.  Yeah that’s not something you’re going to get over with a slightly weepy talk about missing your daughter.  Plus it’s probably going to backfire on you. Just sayin’

What the Watchlings Don’t Know:

Cersei is insane.  Like certifiable. Plus she conveniently forgets about all the horrible things her family has done to others.  Never feel sorry for Cersei.

Finally we get to see what’s going on in Craster’s Keep.  Ferb Jojen still looks like he has a really bad case of the flu, plus that fire can’t be good for his hand.  Oh wait.

The traitor that Bolton sent to the Wall leads an attack on the Keep sneaking off to kidnap Bran.  Jon and his men make short work of the traitors with some graphic violence and it looks bad for Bran and the others.  Then when all looks lost Bran wargs into Hodor.  Yeah, why didn’t he do that before?

I don’t care who you are you have to feel sorry for Hodor when he wakes up and realizes that he’s a murderer. Such a gross thing to wake up to. Seriously he should have warged sooner and avoided some of the death and destruction.

Both the wolves are reunited with their masters and the Night’s Watch burn down Craster’s Keep and all the dead.  The wives/daughters/granddaughters of Craster go their own way.

What the Watchlings don’t Know

OK none of this crap is in the books.  Bran does warg into Hodor some, but just be able to walk again or to be able to see what’s going on in a place that he can’t reach.  Summer does get a little hurt at one point, but Summer and Ghost aren’t captured because they are f-ing direwolves that would rip their captor’s throats out.  Once again– just sayin’.

There was a lot of set up in this episode so just wait until everything comes to fruition.  Lots of drama/violence/surprises. And lets get real, probably lots of sex too.

Major Character Deaths: 0

Boob Count: 0