Game of Thrones: Mother’s Mercy. AKA The crap all your book reading friends have kept a secret from you since you said, “I’m going to start watching Game of Thrones.”

Seriously though all your friends that have read this series and encouraged you to watch the show have been waiting for this moment to see your reaction (well and your reactions to Ned, the Red Wedding, the Purple Wedding, etc). I’m sure you’ve seen all the theories floating around out there of what’s really going on though, but a lot of other things happened before that final scene so let’s get to those first. (BTW if you haven’t watched the season 5 finale– don’t read this. Actually get off the Internet and go watch it or don’t complain about spoilers).

Stannis and Melisandre

We open the episode to Stannis hearing one thing from Melisandre (It’s great you burned the one person that loved you alive!  See the snow melted!) and another from his men (dude, you’re screwed– everyone has bailed on you– including your wife). I don’t know if they had Melisandre purposefully lead him poorly so she could get rid of him or if she’s just off her game now.

Melisandre runs away though after hearing all the bad news– headed back to Castle Black (we don’t know that at first, but that’s where she shows up later) and Stannis keeps with his plan to march on Winterfell. Cause he doesn’t have much choice otherwise.

Once he arrives at Winterfell though he’s not even given an option to lay siege to the castle, but the come out and meet him and slaughter everyone there. Stannis manages to stay alive, but becomes wounded and can’t get away. Abandoned by everyone he appears to have given up. This is how Brienne finds him and gives a very stirring speech about how he killed Renly with blood magic (which he admits to) and then she sentences him to death. It was all very dramatic, but all I could think was kill him and get out of there! It just seemed like a bad idea to be hanging around waiting for Ramsey to find them (which I’d rather get killed by Brienne than tortured and killed by Ramsey Snow, so he had that going for him.

Differences from the book:

Stannis didn’t burn his daughter, his wife didn’t hang herself, they are in fact back at Castle Black all nice and cozy with Melisandre. Stannis is buried in snow drifts, but isn’t doing too shabby by this point and is working out a plan to take Winterfell (where there is a limited amount of food and too many people there to keep fed for very long).

Jon Snow

Jon has a nice touching talk with Sam (come on– that’s a bad sign by itself– nothing good comes out of happiness in this world). He tells Sam all about what he saw at Hardhome and how he knows everyone at Castle Black hates him right now. Sam talks him into sending him to Oldtown with Gilly to become a Maester. It makes a ton of sense, but just so you know– in the books Sam is long gone by this point. Jon sent Sam to Oldtown just for this purpose with Gilly, Mance Rayder’s baby (she had to leave hers behind), and Maester Aemon (who died as soon as he reached Braavos and heard about the dragons– which was a super sad part of the books). But he’s now at least headed in the direction he was in the books.

Davos is trying to get help for Stannis (who he doesn’t know has been defeated). But then all of a sudden he knows they’ve been defeated because Melisandre shows up at the wall and even though she doesn’t say anything– it’s obvious everyone is dead.

Then Olly shows up and says that one of the Wildlings knows where his Uncle Benjen is and he needs to come talk to him. Other brothers back him up, but it turns out they were just looking to stab him a bunch. Olly delivers the last blow and Jon Snow falls back on the snow with blood pouring out of his back. (Please read this for some reasons that this isn’t the worst thing in the world– probably).

Differences from the book:

First off Melisandre, Stannis’ wife and Shireen stay at the Wall the whole time and she’s been warning him that something was going to happen and to keep Ghost close. In the books Ghost is locked up in Jon’s room so that he doesn’t fight with the other Warg’s animals so that’s where he is right now. Also Olly doesn’t exist, but his steward is a gay male prostitute named Satin, who doesn’t betray him at all. Other than that he totally gets stabbed a bunch and it looks like he might be dead.

Sansa

Sansa manages to escape her room to put the candle in the tower to call for help (which she manages to do just after Brienne turns away from watching), but drops her corkscrew on the way out of her room. It might just be me, but that looks like a handy weapon to keep a hold of. Myranda finds her wandering about and threatens her with a bow and arrow that the only part of her that is needed is her reproductive organs. Right before Myranda shoots Reek (aka Theon) pushes her to the side and before she can then attack him Theon pushes her over the wall where she falls to her death. (Yay Theon!)

They hear Ramsey’s return and begin to panic so of course go to the edge of the castle and jump into a snow drift– as you do. Cause that’s not a bad idea at all.

Differences from the book:

Well as you know the biggest one is that Sansa is way far away in the Eyrie, but Theon does help save the fake Arya from Ramsey Bolton and does jump off the castle into a snow drift. He breaks his ankle in the process, but gets picked up by some of Stannis’ crew (who also have his sister) and he begins to become himself again.

Arya

Meryn Trant shows us that he’s an even bigger scumbag than we first expected and disguised as a child prostitute she murders him violently. She’s caught by Jaqen H’ghar when she’s putting the human mask back and it appears that he kills himself to atone for her actions. The girl then turns into Jaqen and Arya begins to pull the faces off of the body until she gets to her own. Then she goes blind. My theory on what we just saw there is that he never drank the poison, but gave it to her and that was all an hallucination.

Differences from the book:

Ahh this is all out of order, but she does kill Meryn Trant and she does go blind, so just roll with what is going on. It’s mostly correct.

Jamie and Bronn

The Dornish people are once again poorly written and overly sexualized. Jamie admits to Myrcella that he’s her father and she’s says, ” Oh I’m totes cool with that dad– I think it’s awesome you had sex with your twin sister” or something like that. And then she dies. Cause that’s what people do in this show. She was killed by the goodbye kiss with the same poison that Bronn was infected with. We then see her killer take the antidote for herself– all while all of the sand snakes are in see through dresses– because why not? Boobs.

Differences from the books:

Too many to list– none of this crap happened.

Meereen 

Grey Worm is wearing adult diaper pants and they all make the best decisions ever made in the history of this show (which can be scary as I said earlier). Tyrion, Grey Worm and Missandei will stay behind and rule in Dany’s stead and Mormont and Daario will go out to search for their lost queen. There is a lot of snark and awesome one liners here. I think Dany will be happy when she gets back. Tyrion watches them ride away and then all of a sudden Varys shows up! He shows that he has more things up his sleeve. This storyline is going swimmingly– which once again makes me nervous.

Go away Mom! I’m sleeping!

Drogon is hurt and Dany is clueless how to control him (come on and warg!) so she goes for a walk after giving up on him (that’s a good idea right?) While on her walk a bunch of Dothraki surround her. Dothraki who for some reason are behaving more like American Indians from old movies than the nomadic people of previous seasons, but oh well.

Differences from the books:

Tyrion isn’t around yet in this capacity, and Dany starts her period– and has less clothes on. Other than that it’s about right.

Cersei

She has finally given in and “confessed” to some of her crimes in hopes that she’ll be released. She denies the others so she will still have to go to trial. And then the High Sparrow drops the bomb that she’s going to have to walk back to the Red Keep, naked, shaved, and doing a serious walk of shame.

They then use this time to show her naked a bunch– oh and to show a bunch of other people naked. Because it’s HBO and that’s what they do. (To be fair that all happened in the books too). The nuns evidently don’t own scissors so give her a rather painful razor cut (I also get my hair cut with a razor, but it tends to turn out better than this).

After a very embarrassing and painful walk she finally ends up at the Red Keep where she does get covered up, but she has to face her enemies naked and vulnerable. This is going to be something that will be hard for her to get over. The big thing you need to notice though is the new member of the Kingsguard. That would be Ser Robert Strong who has vowed to not speak until all the Grace’s enemies are defeated, but in reality it’s the Mountain in zombie form. He’s been resurrected by Qyburn and is their (his and Cersei’s) secret weapon.

Differences from the book:

Not much.

 So we have so many unanswered questions that won’t be answered until next year– or if by some miracle GRRM finishes book 6 before the new season. Riiiiiight.

Game of Thrones: The Gift. Life after Sansa’s Wedding Night.

Everyone was in an uproar after last week’s episode that showed Sansa’s wedding night so thankfully no one else gets married this week, but we do get to hear Dany plan her own up coming nuptials.  That should be a fun time too right?

So this season we’ve had a lot of misdirection with the episode names (Kill the Boy, Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken, etc) and this one has a few meanings as well. On one hand we have Jorah taking his gift to his queen, we have Dany giving the gift of the fighting pits to her people, and lastly in the books Jon offered “The Gift” or an area of land between the wall and Winterfell to the Wildlings who wanted to come over and down. They would have to answer to Winterfell and the Seven Kingdoms, but they wouldn’t have to worry about White Walkers. So although all the Watchlings out there probably assume this title is talking about Jorah giving over Tyrion, it’s totally derived from that 5 minutes you see Jon and try to remember what he’s doing right now.

The Wall

Speaking of Jon we see him saying his goodbyes so he can go off and try to talk the rest of the Wildlings into either settling in the Gift or populating the abandoned castles along the wall to try to fight against the White Walkers. The Wildlings aren’t all crazy about this idea and neither are the men of the Night’s Watch. It’s very important you remember that they are super unimpressed by that and think Jon a traitor for what he’s doing. It plays a big role in things to come.

We also see Maester Aemon playing with Gilly’s baby and confusingly talking about his baby brother Egg (who later became King). You can tell Sam in worried about Aemon and it looks to be his last days. This is yet another departure from the books. In the books Jon send Maester Aemon and Sam off to the Citadel with their stories of White Walkers (and for Sam to become a maester to replace Aemon) and switches Gilly’s baby with Mance Rayder’s kid. Gilly takes this other baby off to safety with Sam and Aemon and Sam plans on telling his parents that her baby is his bastard. Gilly is heartbroken to leave her child, but eventually bonds with the other baby and the eventually bonds with Sam numerous times as well. Aemon does die in the books, but he does so on the journey while in Braavos (where Arya kills one of the men from the Night’s Watch for abandoning Sam). Sam thinks he died because the Wall and the cold were keeping him alive.

So instead of taking an epic journey Aemon just dies (in the books he is super upset that he died before reaching Dany. He heard about her during the journey and he wants to tell her things about her family– I think he wants to tell her how to control her dragons). Sam and Gilly just have sex (in the most realistic sex scene yet in the series) and Ghost for some reason isn’t with Jon (but he saves Sam’s life which is awesome).

Sansa

Sansa had a rough week to say the least. Last week we saw her wedding night raping and evidently the fun hasn’t stopped for her. She’s being kept a prisoner with no contact with anyone besides Theon. In an act of desperation she gets Theon’s help signalling that old woman that offered her help before. The thing she doesn’t know is that Theon is 100% scared of Ramsey and instead of going and lighting a candle like Sansa asked he went straight to the Bastard and told on her. Which didn’t go quite so well for the old lady.

Sansa and Ramsey walk around the castle discussing their future– or really just discussing Ramsey’s future as the Lord of Winterfell. I have to admire Sansa’s guts at pointing out the obvious, but she’s crazy. You don’t call Ramsey Snow Bolton a bastard to his face. She’s given him something to think about though even if she’ll definitely pay for it later. (She did manage to grab a weapon for later on this walk about– but will she be able to use it?)

Ramsey: Call me Bastard one more time!

Seriously though– I’m pretty sure she just guaranteed a pregnant woman’s death. Do you think the Frey’s will be cool with it when it’s one of their own?

Sansa: Yeah, about him. . .I didn’t like him either.

After viewing Ramsey’s work on the old lady help I think Sansa is finally realizing what kind of person she married. As much as I cannot stand Sansa in the books and wish that she’d been killed off in place of any of the other Starks, I have to say she’s much more in control of herself on the show than in the books. In the books she’s just concerned with what is happening to her and where her next lemoncake is coming from. Of course she’s also not married to Ramsey so she has that going for her.

Stannis

Stannis is stuck in the snow trying to march on Winterfell and losing people by the day. Either deserting or dying from lack of heat and food. He’s losing before he’s even started and he can’t go back to the Wall because he will just be stuck there. Defeated. Melisandre states that she knows how to take Winterfell and that all they need to do is sacrifice someone with King’s blood. Which just happens to be his daughter who she wants to burn alive. Yeah totes sounds like good idea. I love Stannis for not only rejecting this idea but sending the Red Woman away after she suggests it. It truly is a despicable plan (and not at all in the books).

In the books she’s wanting to burn Mance’s baby which is why Jon sends the baby away from the wall. Melisandre really is a horrible person, but she might play a role in helping Jon with all those people that think he’s a traitor now so I don’t wish her dead. Yet.

Jorah

Jorah and Tyrion manage to get sold together (after some quick action on Tyrion’s part) and are headed to the fighting pit of Mereen (you know the pits that Dany just opened back up under the condition that no slaves would be used. . .yeah about that).

In the books Tyrion actually saves Jorah here. Jorah is in a somewhat in a catatonic state at this point and Tyrion is being sold with another dwarf  Penny. (Be super glad they cut the whole Penny and her dog and pig show out of the series). He says that Jorah plays the bear in the act and all good acts must have a bear. They also don’t get sold into the fighting pits, but Tyrion ends up there later on and gets saved at the last minute by Dany (it’s more complicated then that, but pretty much that’s what happens).

We see Dany getting some lovin’ time with her man Daario who she claims she cannot marry because she has to marry the Master from Mereen for political purposes. Let me say though that Daario has the right idea about killing all the masters and showing people what’s up. If she did marry Daario they would make a pretty BA team. She has become too careful (and gotten a rather odd wig too).

Now we have come to a meeting between Jorah and his queen. In a scene copied from Gladiator they are all fighting in front of the queen and Jorah realizes it and runs out to fight too. I’m pretty sure Russell Crowe was in the group of fighters, but Jorah manages to kill them all. Dany is shocked and appalled by this sight and obviously is having second doubts about opening the fighting pits again (as she should). Jorah reveals himself to her at the end and before she can have him removed he tells her he has a gift for her. On cue Tyrion runs out and announces he is the gift. When asked he proclaims himself Tyrion Lannister. Oh you know just the son  of the man that ordered the slaughter of your family. She seems to take it like you’d expect.

Queen of Thorns

The Queen of Thorns and the High Sparrow have words together. He seems to genuinely like her and spars verbally with her for a while. She can’t figure him out though and doesn’t exactly win this exchange. This of course frustrates her and she is obviously trying to figure out a way to bring down the High Sparrow.

She meets with Petyr who tempts her with a deal to take down the Lannisters. He’s playing all sides to make sure that he has an agreement with the winning party. . .no matter who that is.

Cersei

Well, well, well. She’s still oblivious as to what is going on with the church and thinks everything is going her way. After Tommen threatens to go talk to the High Sparrow to get his wife freed Cersei steps in tells Tommen that she’ll go on his behalf to try to get her freedom.

She does visit the High Sparrow and Margeary as well. She’s super smug about what’s going on with Margeary and obviously thinks that everything is going her way. Well that is until she starts talking to the High Sparrow. He tells her about how Lancel came to them broken and slowly unburdened himself to the church. He told them about the horrible things that he did with Cersei and that gives them grounds to arrest her as well. Yeah she tries the same reasoning that Margeary did and it gets her just as far.

In the books Cersei’s plan to get rid of Tommen’s bride is much more complicated and it looks like she has framed Margeary successfully until the men she had swear that they had sex with Margeary were tortured until they admitted they were lying. I do hope they keep the punishment the same in the show as in the books though. Let’s just say that it’s very very satisfying. Plus boobs.

Dorne

Back in Dorne Myrcella doesn’t want to leave because she loves her betrothed and wants to marry him. Jamie doesn’t quite know how to handle her. Bronn mocks and taunts the Sand Snakes in their cell which is amusing until one of them feels the need to make sure we see some breasts this episode. It’s totally unnecessary and ridiculous. All of you people that were up in arms last week about Sansa should be kicking up a fuss about the show’s use of naked women to keep viewer’s interest. I don’t need to see someone naked every five minutes to keep my attention. Bronn of course was poisoned by his cut and after boobs were seen he receives the antidote. Because boobs. I don’t know this whole scene is confusing. But there are boobs so I guess we’re not supposed to question it.

On the bright side– no rapes this week!  Plus Cersei is getting a taste of her own medicine so it’s almost a cheerful episode even if we did lose a main character.

Game of Thrones: The Watchers on the Wall. You know nothing.

We are quickly approaching the season finale so we know we’re going to see a good bit of action between this episode and the next. This episode starts out with Jon and Sam talking on the top of the Wall about love and loss and death.  Sam gets Jon to talk about Ygritte and Sam admits to his desire to have sex with Gilly and pretty much says the only thing stopping him is the fact she didn’t offer.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Sam probably wanted to have sex with Gilly the whole time he was helping her, but he never would have admitted that.  In fact in the books she comes on to him pretty strong (after this time) and he turns her down repeatedly because of his vows.  Sam says that he’s a coward, but he is one of the strongest willed people on the Wall.  He sees things in right and wrong even if his idea of what is right isn’t exactly what others would agree with.  Also Jon probably wouldn’t have talked so freely about Ygritte.  He does love her and dreams of being able to truly be with her, but is ashamed of his actions with her even though The Halfhand ordered him to do whatever it took to blend in.

Moving on to Ygritte we get to hear Tormund Giantsbane tell part of his story about sleeping with a bear. Tormund is one of my favorite characters in the books and I’m sad we didn’t get to hear the whole story.  Ygritte however interrupts him and fights with the cannibal Wildlings. More specifically the leader of the Thenns.

What the Watchlings don’t know

The Thenns in the books weren’t cannibals and although they were scary dudes they weren’t creepy like these guys.  I’m guessing that the Thenns are being used to combine all the bad things about the Wildlings and to take the place of a character named Rattleshirt.  I’m not horribly upset with this change though.  I can see the sense in consolidating.

Here is that story from Tormund since it was cut short on the show:

“I was in me Ruddy Hall, with only a cask o’ mead to keep me company and nothing to do but drink it. The more I drank, the more I got thinking about this woman lived close by, a fine strong woman with the biggest pair of teats you ever saw. She had a temper on her that one, but oh, she could we warm too, and in the deep of winter a man needs his warmth.

“The more I drank, the more I thought about her, and the more I thought the harder me member got, till I couldn’t suffer it no more. Fool that I was I bundled meself up in furs from head to heels, wrapped a winding wool around me face, and set off to find her. The snow was coming down so hard I got turned around once or twice, and the wind blew right through me and froze me bones, but finally I come on her, all bundled up like I was.

“The woman had a terrible temper, and she put up quite the fight when I laid hands on her. It was all I could do to carry her home and get her out o’ them furs, but when I did, oh, she was hotter than even I remembered, and we had a fine old time, and then I went to sleep. Next morning when I woke the snow had stopped and the sun was shining, but I was in no fit state to enjoy it. All ripped and torn I was, and had me member bit right off, and there on me floor was a she-bear’s pelt. And soon enough the free folk were telling tales of this bald bear seen in the woods, with the queerest pair o’ cubs behind her. Har!” He slapped his meaty thigh. “Would that I could find her again. She was fine to lay with, that bear. Never was a woman give me such a fight, nor such strong sons neither.”

There is the theory that the “bear” he slept with was a Mormont woman, perhaps Lord Mormont’s sister. I don’t know that I buy that, but that would make for an interesting twist!

Swap back to Sam still talking about sex. Seriously Sam I don’ t think you’re supposed to tell everyone about how you want to break your vows? OK we get it you think Gilly in all her incestuous glory is hot. But wait! I bet all of you Watchlings had forgotten about Maester Aemon told Jon Snow that before he became a Maester he was Aemon Targaryen. Don’t worry they are reinforcing that again for you.

And then all of a sudden Gilly shows up with the baby and Sam suddenly gets his courage. . .right before the Wildlings show up.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Once again Sam felt strongly about Gilly, but he didn’t flagrantly flaunt any desires to break his vows or “go with her wherever she goes.” I’m guessing they are setting up this storyline to help you out a little later with some stuff that happens. . .and stuff.  But unless they speed that part of the plot along it’ll be a while before anything develops on that front.

So Maester Aemon once again brings up his heritage, probably just to remind everyone that had forgotten it since it was first told a few seasons ago.  This is important though because The Red Woman is on the hunt for King’s blood to do spells with and Aemon comes from kings.  Also it’s important because eventually even Maester Aemon will hear about Dany and her dragons.

Enter the beginning of the Wildling battle. Now I’m not one for epic battle scenes, but the show does this really well.  It was very much reminiscent of The Battle of Helms Deep.  All we needed was an elf and a dwarf competing over the number of kills and it could have been straight from The Lord of the Rings. I’m not going to break down every bit of this battle so I’ll just hit the highlights as they come about.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Janos Slynt is being used to manipulate the Wall from King’s Landing– not very well, but that’s one of the reasons he is such an ass to Jon Snow. Janos is really a horrible human being even more so than the show makes him seem. This episode showed Ser Alliser pretty much tell Jon that the was right, but he didn’t care that he was right. Yeah him and Janos get along well.  That’s all.

Also Sam is getting braver, but not quite so brave as it looks here.  I do love that they have Sam encouraging all the brothers.  He’s the last person you’d think would lend courage to others. Finally the giants should be important later on. Know that most people thought giants extinct too so just the sight of giants attacking was disconcerting for the Black Brothers.

 

Continued death and destruction from the Wildlings– all the blood and guts you could desire. Scary giants, scary mammoths, scary Wildlings. Many people die and it’s hard to keep track of all the deaths, but 0f course there is just one death that they want to you be sure to have emotional damage about. Ygritte.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Jon didn’t see Ygritte die exactly like this.  He found her after the battle with an arrow through her and then worried/dreamed that he had been the one that had killed her during the battle and didn’t realize it. She did die in his arms, but it wasn’t quite so poignant as this scene.  This is one time I will say that I prefer how it was changed to how it was written.  There was closure here.  Jon saw her, felt relief at her presence even if she did look like she was about to kill him, and then got to say goodbye after she was shot. It was nice to have a good end to this love story. And by good I mean heartbreaking end, but I think everyone knew how that would end.

Sam and Jon are walking around and leading the clean up from the battle.  Then Jon announces his intentions to go and treat with Mance Rayder and try to put an end to this without more loss of life. I want to know where Ghost is? He was let out so why is he not at Jon’s side.  I would think Jon would want him by his side during this interaction with Mance.

Last comment from the episode is that the variations on the theme song were amazing.  It was dark and pulled at one’s emotions just by hearing that familiar, yet different, line of music.  Beautiful.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Ser Alliser and Janos Slynt were not present during this battle, but showed up after it was done to talk about what should have happened.  They then forced Jon Snow to go out and meet with Mance Rayder fulling assuming that Mance would kill Jon for his betrayal.  That’s the way it appears to be going until. . . something happens that I’m assuming we’ll see next week.

I love that Jon is a strong character and seems to be in control, but also miss that level of desperation that Jon felt being sent to his most certain death.

Next week will be so very very eventful.  We have a wedding to plan, a wife to kill and Guilder to frame for it.  Or maybe a peace to negotiate, a dwarf to kill and a whore to blame for it.

Boob count: 0 (! Really HBO? I’m surprised you didn’t throw in a female giant’s boob)

Major Character Death: 1 (Ygritte)

Game of Thrones: The Mountain and the Viper aka “Hello. My name is Oberyn Martell. You killed my sister, prepare to die.”

We start this episode out in Mole’s Town which I can’t help but think this is a place that must be hard to keep track of for all those Watchlings out there.  So just in case– it’s the town right outside of the wall that mostly consists of a whorehouse there to service the Sworn Brothers– you know the ones that swore to not have sex.  Yeah those guys.

Well the Wildlings bust in and murder a ton of people, but Ygritte spares Gilly and the babe.  Then we see Sam and the posse discussing if Gilly could have survived and what they should do about the Wildlings in general.  They mostly all decide they are screwed.

 

What the Watchlings don’t know:

This is just a big set up for next week and to show that Ygritte is a good person. No– you’ll get the pay off for these scenes at the Wall soon enough.

Switch to Grey Worm checking out Missandei and looking like he’s sexually frustrated.  Then Dany and her discussing how much was cut off when they became eunuchs. Grey Worm later apologizes while at the same time kind of declaring his love for her. He somehow also took a huge step forward in his mastery of The Common Tongue.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

So Dany actually got a lot of details about the castration process when she bought the Unsullied. They have everything (Penis and Testicles) chopped off very early on so that they will never have any sexual desire to distract them from their duties. So I don’t really buy that Grey Worm is sexually attracted to anyone, but I would buy that he is lonely and wants love.  For those of you that don’t know, the boys that become Unsullied are taken at around the age of 5, trained, then cut, and on the day they are cut they are given a puppy.  After 1 year they are made to kill the puppy– those that don’t are killed and fed to dogs.  Then when they earn their title of Unsullied they have done so by going out into the marketplace, ripping a child from it’s mother’s breast and killing it in front of her.  He then gives the owner of the woman a coin to pay for the baby.  Yeah, so it’s pretty hardcore and I could see how someone like this could use some love.

Lets move on to Theon (Reek) and The Bastard. The Bastard is continuing his campaign of torment over Theon and uses him to manipulate the Ironmen left at Moat Cailin. Theon gets them to surrender and then The Bastard flayed them all. The Bastard of Bolton really is one of the most despicable characters in this series.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

You mostly know it all. The only thing you’re missing is that extent that The Bastard has gone through to brainwash Theon.  He thinks everything might be a trap created by the Bastard in order to inflict more pain on him.  Other than that– this scene is all that it seems.

OK now here we go.  The episode before this ended with Littlefinger throwing Lysa out the Moondoor. I stated before that in the books there was conveniently a singer hanging about that took the fall for Lysa’s murder, but since he wasn’t there I wondered how they would explain away this issue. Littlefinger appears cornered. He’s being grilled by the Lords of the Vale and looks to be losing this game.  Then they announce they want to interview “Alayne.” In comes Sansa looking very fragile and saying she must tell the truth.

Well evidently little Sansa has learned to play the game.  She tells everyone who she is really and that Littlefinger had saved her life.  She also gives an explanation for Lysa’s suicide.  At the end of this fantastic tale she exchanges a sly smile with Littlefinger.

Wow is all I gotta say about this.  I wonder how they will proceed with this storyline since this episode took a little bit of a turn from the books.

Littlefinger lays the groundwork to travel with Robyn– perhaps see that he gets killed somewhere– or just to see if he can actually grow up.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Sansa is still not known as herself, but is under the disguise of Alayne Stone– the bastard daughter of Littlefinger– in the books.  Also Sansa is not this cunning in the books either.  She’s still an idiot and doesn’t realize that she’s being manipulated at every turn.  Just throw her some lemon cakes and she’s good to go.  No words can describe my disdain for this character.

 

Meanwhile back in Mereen we see Barristan Selmy receive a mysterious message that turns out to be a pardon from Robert that somehow got lost in the mail (really– USPS is getting slower and slower these days. They should have sent it UPS). Seriously though it’s obviously a set up and conveniently just showed up. Dany sees this as a horrible betrayal and banishes him.  This is plainly the only choice she had so she didn’t appear weak.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Selmy was on the Small Council so he knew that Jorah was spying on her this whole time.  He’s also the one that spills the beans to Dany to turn her against Jorah.  To be fair he didn’t trust Jorah and was trying to look out for her.

Now we get to see two weirdos be super creepy together.  AKA Roose Bolton legitimizes his bastard son and places him over any future children he might have. He probably knows that Ramsey will most likely murder any future children anyway, because that’s how he does things.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Both these dude are waaaaaay messed up.  Hmmmm. . .you may have already figured that out.  Well how about Roose like to be leeched daily. Yeah cause that’s not weird.

Sansa now reveals why she lied to protect Littlefinger.  At least the show made this make sense. She protected him because she knows that if he’s gone she might be in a worse situation than she was in King’s Landing. OK I buy that. I’m going to skip ahead and cover the scene with Littlefinger and Robert  Robyn. Littlefinger is obviously plotting something.  He’s now setting up the boy to go on a journey with him and Sansa and we’ll have to see where this is going to take us.  I’d watch out if I was Robyn though.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

She looks so strong and smart now. Believe me in the books she’s still an idiot.  Always an idiot. Oh, and an idiot that never thinks about Arya and what possibly has happened to her.  Every now and then she feels mildly sad that the rest of her family is dead, but mostly just sad if she runs short of lemon cakes. Robyn (aka Robert) develops an unhealthy attachment to Sansa and feels the need to sleep with her every night.  GRRM also goes into great detail about how he pushes up against her boobs to go to sleep and then pees the bed. Yeah this storyline is mostly messed up.

Now Arya and The Hound have reached the Vale and have a super hilarious scene where Arya laughs joyfully when she finds out that her Aunt Lysa is dead. Really it’s just their luck that they would make this huge journey just to hit a dead end.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Arya and The Hound never made it to The Vale in the books.  In fact they should be parting ways soon and I’m interested to see if the show decides to break up this dream team.  They have to eventually right?  Maybe this is season finale material? Arya’s storyline just gets better and better though.

Of course they’ve saved for the last the story we’ve been dying to watch.  Jaime and Tyrion have a heartfelt chat about how Tyrion is going to die and how they don’t have much hope of victory. They also share a touching story about a mentally handicapped relative of theirs that liked to smash beetles and how Tyrion tried to figure out why this child wanted to smash the beetles. This lovely story ended with the cousin getting killed by a mule.  The moral of the story being that life and death have no point.

Seriously she’s an amazing actress in these scenes.

Cut to Tyrion being led out to his trial.  Tyrion questions Oberyn’s lack of armor and a helmet (hehe) and Oberyn brushes his concerns off.  Which I have to admit when you watch his fighting styles it’s obvious that he does much better unencumbered. Here’s where it gets good. Oberyn takes the field all cocky and promises not to die and leave his paramour alone.

Oberyn does an amazing impression of Inigo Montoya by repeating, “You raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children.” over and over while attacking The Mountain. This chant seems to do what it was intended  as he repeatedly stabs his adversary and appears to have dealt the winning blows.

But wait, this is A Game of Thrones— just as it appears he’s won The Mountain grabs him, admits his murder and rape and then smashes his head like watermelon.  Yep.  That’s the end of the Viper.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

Nothing really from the brotherly aspect. Jaime and Tyrion really do love each other and Jaime is realizing Tyrion is the better of his siblings. Tyrion doesn’t have much hope for a positive outcome, yet his hopes are raised throughout the battle. . .until they aren’t.

Never fear though!  The Viper is not done with The Mountain.  How you ask?  You saw his head popped like a really disgusting pimple right? Well, yes, but he may have performed some treachery before his death.  I won’t spoil that for you though.  I’m sure we’ll find out in about 2 weeks.

 

Up next week it appears to be the battle for the Wall– believe me all will not go as planned.

Major Character Deaths: One– Oberyn Martell

Boob Count: 8 pairs I think? There were a lot of background boobs.